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It's me, no - it's you! no, it's......

Updated: Sep 13, 2023

Relationships! Intimate, romantic relationships will trigger every last microgram of your being at one time or another (kids too but I will write about that in another article!). We so often are ready to react TO the other person, instead of reacting...


When something "triggers" you, WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYONE BUT YOURSELF???

Sister I have been there, for years, pointing fingers outwardly. But.... because I am so driven to develop and foster my INNER PEACE, I have realized that everything is UP TO ME. So with great love and relatability, Imma drop this little quote here for you and then keep going XO

What causes offense to occur? YOU DO by choosing to bite into it. And when we enter conflict with our spouse / partner / BELOVED, we choose to put them in the centre of our reaction versus taking personal responsibility and self reflection in the situation.

The trick is that because we are SO CLOSE to them "they can push our buttons"..... except the buttons are metaphorical and the mechanism behind them is OUR INTERNAL PROGRAMMING. Do you see what I am saying love?


Why does relationship conflict have to blame the other?

What if we spoke more fully, more vulnerably and even strategically about what we are feeling, without blame?

I'm noticing in conversations and coaching that we seem afraid to speak from a deeper place in relationships. We are holding back on what we actually want to say, BECAUSE?????

As kids we just say what is:

"Mom you have bags under your eyes too!"

"That doesn't look good"

"I farted"

"He likes to pee on his foot because it's warm"

So what stickiness do we cover ourselves in as adults, not feeling safe to express the truth beneath the emotion? To deflect onto the other person, whom we say we love more than anyone in the world and feel closest to.


Husband - Hi Honey, what's for supper tonight?

general question, no strings behind it or accusations stated

Wife - AH feck Chuck, why do you always expect supper!! Can't you cook for once!

emotional reaction based on how she is feeling triggered by this, past history perhaps on the cooking workload, resentment, bad day etc.

Husband - I have been working ALL DAY, I don't want to cook!

negative response because of her "biting his head off"

Wife - Well fend for yourself, I am not cooking for you!

shuts down and shuts him out, mutters internally to herself and grumbles about, and everyone is still hungry!

Whereas we could just say:

Husband - Hi Honey, what's for supper tonight?

general question, no strings behind it or accusations stated

Wife - Hi Babe, I haven't made anything, I am bagged. Shall we order in or do you want to cook?

states what she is actually feeling detached from any defensiveness because it's just a question

Husband - Let's order in honey, give ourselves a break from the kitchen. what are you in the mood for?

he responds lovingly because they are communicating what they want - he wants food, she doesn't want to cook - focused on solving the problem, not making it personal

Wife - Pizza!!!!

See, we attach to OUR emotions and EGO rather than stay grounded in our truth. The husband's question doesn't mean "why haven't you cooked!", it's just a question. The wife's reaction has to do with HER feeling overwhelmed, tired and done for the day, which she then takes out on him. And this is where we fall into the trap of ego self rather than aware self.

TO PLAY IN THIS AREA, of deepening the WHY you are choosing a certain reaction I encourage you to practice ways to express and explore yourself and choose new - like a choose your own adventure.

The first thing to PRACTICE is a PAUSE before responding. It's likely this will take time because you are so used to firing back right away. From the pause, be it eyes closed, breathing break, stretch your body or hang there with your mouth open for a sec stopping in your tracks of blurting something out!, go within and FEEL that knee jerk reaction - what is under it? Then just pick something else to say instead.

Husband - Hi Honey, what's for supper tonight?

Wife - internal - ah, feck, supper, again! I DON'T WANT TO COOK! wah is me!)

external - oh dang, I am triggered! Ok, close my eyes, take a breath....and

Say.... I AM, get over here Lover!

Both smooch, laugh and move through to figuring out what to eat.

Explore yourself

And practice expressing yourself in a new way

Do this for yourself and you will see a change in your partner. They have their years of predictable habits + patterns too when you don't respond as they predict, it prompts them to shift too.

Basically, always pick LOVE!!! Love your yourself, love for what you are feeling, love for your partner, love for the greater good of your relationship.

Might seem crazy to think we need to consciously choose love, but we do.

We need to give ourselves space to feel and love ourselves inwardly in order to respond lovingly outwardly. And why wouldn't you want that!



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spot on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's such a journey to evolve my reaction... love the dialogue examples!!

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