Sovereignty feels weird before it feels peaceful

It's actually not about boundaries.

It's about sovereignty.

It's about becoming the woman who can stand in her own life without needing everyone else to be okay before she can be okay.

This doesn't feel empowering at first—it feels incredibly uncomfortable. Because you're not just changing a behavior; you're changing a nervous system that has learned for decades that love equals managing everyone else's experience.

Sovereignty Feels Weird Before It Feels Peaceful

I programmed myself to manage other people's emotions long before I became a mom or even a partner. Somewhere along the way—probably as a little girl—I started believing that if someone around me was upset, disappointed, frustrated, or withdrawn, it somehow became my job to fix it. To try and find value in myself by responding to other people's emotions as my responsibility to fix; and I'm in the thick of unpacking that work now. 

AND I TELL YOU IT IS WORKKKKK!!!!  

I thought identity evolution was intangible/invisible, but I'm realizing that it's a harder workout than a spin class!! Here's what's happening internally - I'm constantly fighting with myself over reality. I'm having to separate and unpack immediate emotional reactions, perceived realities, narratives and search for value in self. And rage, unpacking a lot of rage too. 

It’s like a closet full of junk inside that I have been carrying around with a lot of unnecessary bits! Now I am sifting through them and truly seeing my thoughts, stories, choices, emotions, heart in new awareness. 

It's really interesting to observe all of this from a meta view; it allows me to see it without attachment (ok with less attachment) and realize how dysregulated my nervous system still is. 

Now I can work higher and better at identifying things as they are happening and the reality I auto choose versus consciously choose. 

Hence - sovereignty. Not the loud, independent, "I don't need anybody" kind.

The kind where you slowly rewire yourself, detach from making other people's emotions your responsibility. For a while, or as long as you can remember, it probably felt good to make others feel good. Gave you meaning, purpose, value. 

But you also had to give up a part of yourself each time. And that begins to erode the core of who you are when done on repeat…. 

Always giving up something in yourself to keep the peace, to concede, to keep trying on a one way street. 

When you've lived like that for years, you don't even notice you're doing it. It just feels... normal.

Until one day it doesn't.

When you start interrupting decades-old patterns while your nervous system screams: 

"No! This is dangerous! Go back to what we know!"

That feels messy. It feels unfamiliar. Sometimes it even feels wrong.

Not because it is wrong. But because it's new.

Navigating this “unchartered territory” becomes an adventure. Catching yourself in a story or reaction. Catching yourself responding with a misguided belief. 

You start to insert new ideas, new questions. Like: 

How do I want to handle this?

How do I want to feel about this? 

Who do I want to be in this situation? 

Where do I want to be in 3 years from now? 

How do I WANT this go - not without regard for someone else, but with more regard for yourself.  What's actually going on for me right now? 

What would happen if I just didn’t…… 

And this starts to build the new territory. This starts to create safety in the body. This starts to truly rewire your identity. And it feels like freaking freedom, baby. 

Instead of an auto response, there is now a fascinating conversation happening.

Absolutely a part of me still wants to manage everyone's feelings.

She wants everyone to approve.

She wants harmony at any cost.

She worries about disappointing people.

She wants to explain herself.

She wants everyone to understand.

BUT the newer part of me asks different questions.

What kind of woman am I becoming if I continue to behave this way? What is it costing me? 

And 

Can I let someone be disappointed without abandoning myself?

Sovereignty isn't about controlling other people or setting boundaries or swinging to the other side of the pendulum.

It's about leading yourself with reflection, values, sense of identity. 

It's deciding what your standards are.

What you'll say yes to.

What you'll lovingly decline.

How you'll spend your time.

How you'll spend your money.

How you'll respond instead of react.

Not because someone else approves.

Because you've decided.

And then you test yourself. You still misstep. Because this is LIFE baby, not a performance or an altruistic utopia!!! You get to put in practice, over and over. 

A recent situation made this painfully obvious for me.I said yes to something that, deep down, wasn't fully aligned. Part of me genuinely wanted to help and felt like I had to because of something I had done in the recent past. 

Another part of me immediately felt resentment. For a while I wanted to blame someone else.

Then I realized...the resentment wasn't actually about them. It was my own resentment for where I'd abandoned myself.

That's a hard truth.But it's also an empowering one. Because now I see more of myself and the role I play in creating situations I will like, or not like. 

One of my favourite “powherfull inc commercial jingles” is this:

Don't be a jerk, but don't be a doormat either.

There is a beautiful middle ground where kindness and self-respect coexist. Where compassion doesn't require self-abandonment. Where love doesn't require people-pleasing.

Where boundaries don't have to come wrapped in anger. So when you are working on changing old patterns, you now know it will feel strange. And that is your body telling something feels different, not dangerous - but different. Unfamiliar. 

Every time you choose differently, you're teaching your body that it is safe to honour yourself.

That it is safe to let someone else have their feelings.That it is safe to disappoint people sometimes (you’ve been disappointed too remember).

And especially, to yourself, that it is safe to become someone new.

I think that’s what sovereignty really is. Not building walls. Not becoming harder.

Simply becoming so rooted in who you are that you no longer need to abandon yourself in order to belong. 

***

But yearning that you feel inside when you read this is a sign of your true self seeking this kind of sovereignty. 

And this is the journey in the work that we do in the everyday woman Awakening program. The next cohort starts August 12th. 

Build something bigger for yourself today. Join me in an intimate circle of women to awaken more of who you are. 

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